Seeing with new eyes

On the day I found out I was diabetic, I remember telling my doctor  that I had experienced no symptoms. Upon further reflection, I realize this wasn't exactly true. I had symptoms, but they were so vague that I simply wrote them off as something else, such as a sign of just getting older.
 About three years ago, for instance, I had my eyes fixed through Crystal Lense replacement surgery. It was a miracle that allowed me to see for the first time since early childhood without glasses. In recent months, though, I had begun to wake up in the morning with slightly blurred vision. It would usually clear up, though, after a few minutes and a quick eye rub. Or consider the fact that I was urinating more often. I gave up soft drinks about two years ago and started drinking more water. A lot more water. So, of course, I attributed the increased number of bathroom visits to my increased water intake. It made perfect sense to me.
   Or here's a big one. After giving up those soft drinks, I dropped almost 50 pounds. Fast. I simply assumed that my healthy lifestyle change (drinking more water) was the cause. It never occurred to me that this kind of weight loss in this short a time frame wasn't normal. It wasn't natural. In fact, upon doing some research, I now realize that it is a classic symptom of diabetes. But I was so busy congratulating myself on finally losing weight without having to make a radical lifestyle shift that I missed a major red flag that should have sent me to my doctor sooner.
   That's the problem with diabetes. It's early warning signs are so vague that it's easy to write them off as something else, anything else. Unfortunately, by the time it's caught, a lot of people are seriously ill and are experiencing major health consequences. It doesn't have to be this way.
   If I had it to do over, I would definitely have gone to the doctor sooner. In fact, I would have gone years sooner. I know it can be scary. I, for one, have always been "doctor-phobic". I figured as long as I was feeling OK, there was no reason to waste time or money on doctor's visits. My doctor tells me that there was probably no way to avoid this diagnosis eventually. But what might have happened if I had gone earlier? Might I have caught it while I was pre-diabetic, before it became full-blown diabetes? Could making the necessary diet changes earlier have avoided this whole thing? I know that I shall never know the answer to these questions. But here's my point: Don't ignore the symptoms your body is giving you. If you begin to notice things about your physical health are changing -- no matter how vague the symptoms are or how easily they might be written off as something else -- don't ignore them. Get to a doctor and get checked out. Diabetes is manageable, but the earlier it's caught, the easier it is to manage.

It's a new week and a whole new attitude

It's been a couple weeks now since my diagnosis, and a lot has changed, with the biggest change being my attitude. In the beginning, I could only think about how terrible my life was going to be now that I was diabetic. I was angry because I felt I had lost control of my life. I brooded over the fact that I now officially have no vices. With this radical change in diet, even food -- my one, last refuge -- had betrayed me. There seemed to be no joy left in my life
   So what changed? Well, it started with a visit to a nutritionist. If you're diabetic and you're not working with one, I would definitely recommend it. She helped me realize that even with the necessary limitations that diabetes imposes on my diet, I don't have to starve. I don't have to limit myself to just baked chicken, or just Cheerios. The truth is, there are a wealth of things I can eat if I'm willing to be open-minded and willing to try new things. This is something I've always had trouble with. It's something I continue to struggle with. It also helped when I realized I didn't have to give up everything I loved. I can still have some sweets -- my one major weakness -- for instance. And I can still have coffee (even Starbuck's). The only difference now is that I have to modify how I enjoy those things.
   Another thing that helped my shift in attitude is the realization that I WASN'T totally to blame for my new health reality. I've always had a complicated relationship with food. Growing up, my Mom -- a reformed chubby kid -- controlled every morsel of food that crossed my lips. So, of course, when I went away to school and didn't have her looking over my shoulder, I rebelled and ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. This pattern continued when I left home permanently. For me, food was both a source of comfort and a source of control. And, of course , I loved all the wrong things. I love fried foods. I love pasta. And I love potatoes. And don't forget the sweets, especially ice cream. Certainly, these poor diet choices didn't help my cause. But the truth is, genetics also play a role. And while no one in my immediate family is diabetic, I don't have to look very far to find family members who are. It took some time, but I finally realized that no matter what I ate, or how healthy, there was never a guarantee that I wouldn't have ended up with this anyway.
   Finally, my attitude began to shift when I began to realize just how lucky I was. As hard as this has been -- and make no mistake. This has been the hardest thing I've ever done, even harder than giving up smoking -- it could have been infinitely worse. I could have gone blind. Or I could have lost toes. Or a limb. Or my life. This isn't easy. But at least I caught it before I had any really dire health consequences. I realize now that I can control this disease, and that it doesn't have to control me or keep me from living a full life, or even enjoying food again. For this, I am eternally grateful.

An introduction

Hello, everyone. My name is Peter, and I'm a diabetic. There. I've finally said it out loud. That's  real progress from a week ago, when I first got that news. On that first day, when I was also dealing with the news that I had high blood pressure, I couldn't even say the word out loud, and I certainly couldn't admit that it had ANYTHING to do with me.
   So, a little about me. I'm 43 years old, and up until last week, life as I knew it was pretty normal. I pretty much ate what I wanted (read, lots of carbs and starches and sugar), and I felt pretty good. Up until last week, there was nothing seriously wrong with me, as far as I knew. Then, in one morning, that all changed.
   I had gone to the doctor for a wellness check -- my first doctor's visit in well over a decade. To be honest, I was only there because my wife had dragged me. I didn't want to be there. If there was something wrong with me, I didn't want to know, I told her. So, of course, in the course of 24 hours, I find out that I have not one, but two, life-changing conditions. How utterly stupid and arrogant my original attitude seems to me now. How very naive.
   In the days since, I think I've experienced every conceivable emotion. First, there was anger. Lots of anger. That first day, I was just mad at the world. I was mad at the unfairness of it all. I was angry at the loss of control, and I was determined to do what I wanted, doctor be damned. Once my anger cooled and common sense reasserted itself, I found I was dealing with some depression. I found myself thinking about all the foods that I love -- things like wings and pasta and desserts -- that I could no longer have. I found myself craving those foods intensely and mourning the fact that I am now officially without vices. I've never been a drinker. I recently gave up smoking. And now, I'm going to have to get my diet in order, whether I want to or not. Sometimes, being an adult really sucks.
   So why am I starting this blog? For a couple of reasons. Writing has always been cathartic for me, and I figured it would be a way to deal with the emotions that have come with this life-changing experience. I also thought that by sharing my own experience, someone else might be helped. And, of  course, it provides a way to share information pertinent to the disease.
   I intend to be very honest in my postings here. I hope that a lot of people find this blog, and that they are helped by it. I also hope that they feel comfortable enough to share their own experiences here. If we can educate each other and support each other -- just make the daily living with diabetes a little easier -- I will consider this blog a success.